"Coming out" on film

I often produce films to advertise, entertain, inform, instruct, and provoke but never to provide a cathartic outlet for “coming out.” A few semesters ago, I served as a faculty advisor on a student production. Produced as an interview, the short film featured a student who planned to address her parents in “coming out of the closet” while being digitally filmed. “Gina,” was a female student athlete from South Africa. On camera, she spoke about how she missed her country and family back home. She recalled fond memories that included BBQs, cartoons, sleepovers, and sports. She reminisced about being daddy’s little girl and mommy’s big girl. She lamented, “We talked all the time.” As the recording rolled, so did Gina’s tears.


She was popular with boys and girls at her high school. However, she was most intrigued by conversations with female teammates on long bus trips and overnight hotel stays. She mentioned, “Something clicked.” For her parent’s sake, she used the ruse of being too busy to be in a (heterosexual) relationship. Her parents did not question her, but Gina felt they had suspicions.

She received several athletic scholarship offers in the US; she decided to attend school in Texas. On campus, her academic, athletic, and social interactions were compartmentalized to mostly females. She met “Nina,” a student athlete in another sports program. As the relationship developed further, so did Gina’s double life.


On the phone and during visits back home, Dad would ask about school and skills. Mom would ask about cute guys. The calls and visits became less frequent; any conversation with a family member was brief. Gina said, “Three years of growing distant, my parents knew, but I never confirmed. It has been very painful.” The camera stopped recording. Nina hugged Gina.


Gina continued as she sat tall and looked directly into the camera and said, “Mom, dad, I want you to know that I never meant to disappoint you, but I have some news for you. Maybe it’s not new news. There is someone special to me…Nina.” Gina paused, then tried again to introduce Nina, but her attempt seemed cryptic. She shifted gears by focusing less on her partner and more on the “coming out.” However, the more she tried, the more her avowing appeared disjointed and partial, “Mom, dad, I was not happy before and now...” Followed by, “Mom, dad, I always wanted to be a role model for Tammy…” Finally she ended with, “I’m still the same Gina, but...”


Thinking back to the student film, I get Butler’s point that being “out” always depends to some extent on being “in”; that being “out” must produce the closet over and over again to maintain itself as “out” (pp. 125-126).


For Gina, coming out on film served more as a buffer rehearsing in a safe zone, than actually making a live proclamation to her parents. She had a chance to review and critique her approach on film and also make a list of who would get a DVD copy. Ultimately, she asked the student filmmakers to “bury it.” I do not doubt Gina’s love for either Nina (I saw them together recently at a restaurant) or her parents. However, as long as there is a camera and physical distance between she and her family, Gina’s double life will linger. The status of her closet has remained situational; open to the Self and closed to the Other.


And a final thought: Butler preferred not to categorize her discourse as theory, but she cannot shake the politicalness in her advocacy (p. 125). Advocacy means a cause exists, which means taking a side, which needs an agenda in order to motivate buy-in. Undoubtedly, Butler advocated strongly in terms of questioning heterosexual hegemony as the moral and social compass in systematizing gender.